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Not long ago, my mom and I were chatting, and I brought up my house and said how many things there are that I want to get done, but that I’m lazy, so I haven’t gotten to them.

She told me that I’m not lazy, and I told her that I was. And then we argued for a while about how I think I’m lazy and how she thinks I’m not.

She said, “Melissa, you are NOT lazy. You have a baby.”

Then she started to tell me all of things that I DO do. As she spoke, I felt a weight lifting off of my shoulders, and fresh air returning to my lungs. Her acknowledgement of the hard work I already do was exactly what I needed.

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There’s always the broken record of blame, shame and guilt playing in our minds, all the frickin time. We are constantly judging ourselves for everything we don’t do.

Even writing the title of this post made me feel GUILTY! For just saying I’m not lazy. It feels like an excuse to say that I have a baby.

But then I remember how great I felt when I listened to my mom’s encouraging voice, and I let it replay in my head, lift my chin, and keep doing what I’m doing.

I googled the definition of lazy, just to be sure my mom was right, and it said, “unwilling to work or use energy, characterized by lack of effort or activity,” and “showing a lack of effort or care.” Now, I definitely show effort and care. I also work and use energy and am active, but it’s selective. Baby takes most of it up, and then regular housework takes up the rest, when I can get to them. So, extra things, that are technically projects, are very much on the back burner.

She was right! I’m not a lazy person, some things just happen to be more important than others. What I am, is a prioritizer and didn’t even know it!

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Top 11 Things Every New Mom Needs For Their Baby
10 Things I Learned In My First Year of Motherhood
How To Go From Mom Doubt To Mom Confidence

What about the comments from other people?

We are so afraid of being judged. Parents or not. And it’s not something that will change. People will judge you. Period.

We put enough pressure on ourselves, and then, on top of that, we hear others comment on our homes, our children, our yards, dirty cars, or whatever else they can comment on.

People are just downright mean sometimes. And a parent is the person who needs support the most, instead of negativity and criticism.

Maybe Mama just needs a day to relax on the couch while the baby plays, instead of trying to get a bunch of stuff done. Maybe she just wants to watch her favorite movie while the baby sleeps, because she needed a pick-me-up. And maybe she just needs time for her. It is perfectly okay to not be doing everything all the time.

You aren’t lazy, but maybe you need a “lazy day” sometimes.

My solution is always space.

If someone is critical or says something negative about my parenting, I give them a time-out, where my life is concerned. I don’t need you in my life right now if you aren’t adding to my happiness.

And, often times, that person was just having a bad day. They may even come back later and apologize for being that way.

Otherwise…more space it is. I stay away as long as I need to. My peace is more important than any negative friend.

If it’s family or someone close, and it still continues, you may want to confront them about how they are making you feel. But, as we all know, family can be the toughest people to confront and feel free to parent around.

If this is the case and you can’t cut them out of your life, but they still won’t stop the comments, then it comes back to you and how you feel about yourself.

If you already feel guilty, you are going to identify with their criticism, even if it’s just inwardly.

You need to get centered and let go of the bad feelings within yourself, and then when the criticisms come, it will bounce off of you. Go back to the elementary days of “I’m rubber, you’re glue.”

Because the negatives don’t motivate us to thrive. We want to live life, but the blame, shame and guilt suppress our natural desire to do just that. It basically kills that desire and forces it into a guilt trip where nothing is good enough. AKA Mom Guilt.

Why feel guilty, when there is so much beauty in parenting?

I love to talk about the real feelings in parenting, especially the tough ones. Often times, we feel bad for saying that parenting is hard, and it seems to me that parents generally talk about the good things while keeping the “bad” things hidden. It’s so extremely important to talk about both sides, but be sure it’s with someone you feel safe with, usually other moms, your partner or a best friend.

And while I talk about the difficult side to encourage other parents to feel free to talk about it, too, I also try to talk about the beauty that is with it.

Because it isn’t all good and it isn’t all bad. It’s a balance of both, most times. When something is beautiful, it doesn’t mean it’s perfect, and parenting is truly a beautiful thing.

To get to see the smile on your baby’s face because you did something silly is the best feeling in the world. And to see them learn something that you taught them fills you with joy.

I take Madison for a walk every morning in her trike and when she hears an airplane, she points up at the sky, says “dada!” (almost the only word in her vocabulary right now ha ha) and we try to find it. I smile every time it happens and feel pride in knowing that I taught her to listen and look up for an airplane and she loves it. I can’t wait until we take an airplane somewhere and she can see one up close and experience being in the sky with it.

I love being a mom. My daughter is the single most perfect thing in the whole world (no offense to you other moms who think the same of your baby). I love her more than puppies and kittens, and crocheting, and chocolate! I’d give up all of my favorite things for her in a second.

Being a mom is also the toughest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a non-stop job, and sometimes it’s literally non-stop, where you barely get to sleep, or eat, or do the thing you want to do, like watch the new “The Handmaid’s Tale” episode without rewinding it a hundred times because you missed what they whispered when your baby whined for you to pick her up.

Or when she squeezes out a whole packet of her baby food ONTO HER LAP when you go to the bathroom for one minute. And it being a time that you didn’t take her pants off before putting her in her high chair.

It’s beautiful, difficult, messy, amazing and overwhelmingly wonderful while sometimes simultaneously being overwhelmingly tough. And handling it all is not a job for a lazy person. You, Mama, are not lazy.

All of motherhood is keeping me busy.

I’m super busy, at least most of the time. Madison has started sleeping through the night again recently, so I get a full night’s sleep now! And she naps well, so I get about two hours in the middle of the day, which I generally spend working.

Then I might take her to the zoo or a park, or to her cousin’s house to play in their little pool or climb their slide. Her cousin is five months older than her and taught her how to climb their slide (forehead slap!), so I spent the next half hour or so standing there behind her to be sure she didn’t flip off of it and hurt herself, because she kept trying to sit down halfway up and would fall backwards. After doing it more the next time we’re over, I’m sure she’ll be a pro at it!

I can get some housework done most days, when she plays by herself for a short time in the living room. But after a bit, she gets lonely and cries for me, so I go in and sit and play with her.

We usually go for another walk in the afternoon and I let her walk around, so we don’t go too far. And then we water the flowers in the front yard and check the mail.

Now, these things may sound like they’re just all fun, and while they are fun, they can also be work. 100% of my attention is on her. It takes a lot out of me some days.

The good news is that you get used to it, and may just have a tough day here and there, or a rough week every once in a while. You adjust to the mom life and your child becomes an extension of you. You have crazy mommy/spidey senses and are hyper-aware of what they are doing at all times. It’s pretty amazing, when you think about it.

I don’t have the energy for other things, a lot of the time.

I have picture frames sitting by the couch, that have been there for months, waiting to be hung up on the living room wall. I look at them everyday and continue to just live my life, trying to not feel bad for them not getting used. One day they will be up on the wall! Just not today.

My mom is right, I am not lazy, I am focused on the most important thing in my life, and sometimes things are a little crazy and messy.

I have tried to keep things a little less cluttered and more organized, to prevent all the cleaning up I have to do, if someone comes over. The kitchen table has been mostly clear for almost a week now, which is a big deal! Madison’s toys are still all over the place, but I have made it a habit to pick them up every night before I go to bed, so we can start fresh the next day.

You are not lazy, Mama.

My mom recently went through Tony Robbins’ training, to become a life coach, and was explaining that laziness is often coming from a place of need or from feeling overwhelmed. There are six basic human needs that he talks about and that everything we do is to get those needs, whether it’s for certainty and comfort, or variety, or any of the other needs. The things we do come from needing something important.

Or maybe you’re just worn out from life right now. You are not lazy.

Maybe you’re struggling with depression and/or anxiety. You are not lazy.

Focus on everything you DO, instead of everything you don’t do. Because you do a lot. And it’s exhausting.

You give so much to your baby, there is no need to feel guilty for not being a perfect homemaker or super achiever.

Give yourself permission to put things off from time to time. And let others know that you do. They can either follow suit with it and lighten up, or they can be put on time-out.

You got this, Mama Bear!

Comment below with your experience of getting through the guilty days! And feel free to share!

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