Sharing is caring!

Tired of doing EVERYTHING yourself?

Feeling like you need help, but don’t get it?

Have you noticed that whenever you open your mouth, you nag?

I get it. I have been there. The truth is it’s hard to get help as a mom.

One reason is that we often WANT to do everything ourselves. That’s what a “good” mom does, right? She never lets anyone else do something for her kids.

I’ve been there, too, and at times I still am! Mom-guilt central right there.

Maybe you’ve been needing help from your husband, but don’t know really how to ask for it, because of mom-guilt, or because of the whole “you’re home all day ‘relaxing’ why do you need help?” thoughts.

Or you have been asking him for help, but haven’t been getting it, hence the nagging. If you think about it, have you been asking him in just one way? Or maybe two different ways, one being yelling and a full-on attitude?

Men generally don’t respond well to nagging, (and, honestly, neither do we). They also don’t respond well to criticism.

The one time that he does decide to FINALLY help with the dishes, you point out everything that he’s doing wrong.

So, he never does them again.

Sound about right?

Maybe you aren’t asking in the right way. Sure, you’d like to think that he will just do his part and do as much as you do. But he’s got a woman who willingly does it all! Why would he?

He needs to understand that you do everything because you have to – that it won’t get done if you don’t do it. And that that’s different than happily doing it all with no expectations on him.

Whether he’s gone at work a lot, or maybe he goes out with friends too much, or just sits down and watches T.V. when he gets home, or plays video games to relax, meanwhile you’re still running around taking care of the kids, cleaning or cooking, or all of the above. 

Basically, you are doing too much and want him to do more, and you need to make him understand that.

But how do you make him understand this and see things from your point of view?

I know that we would like to imagine that our guys would just help us. That they would look around at the messy house and then just start picking up the toys and put the dirty clothes in the laundry room and move on to the kitchen and then the bathroom and so on and so on.

Wouldn’t that just be heaven??

But…what probably happens most days is that he doesn’t look around AT ALL and just sits down to watch T.V. or just play games on his phone and commence his normal nightly routine. And there you are, being the only one looking around and noticing the mess, and the only one picking up the mess, just…like…every…other…night…

I feel you, girl. Samesies. I have been there rather recently, as well.

Is it society that makes things this way? Is it just genetics? Hormones? I don’t know, but I do know that moms do not like it and do not want to tolerate it anymore. This isn’t the 60’s. Women have the power to do just about anything now. Why should we be stuck doing everything when we honestly don’t have to?

But, back to the number one question in our minds, HOW do we get help from them?

They say that if you don’t ask for help, you won’t get it, and it couldn’t be more true than in a relationship.

If he doesn’t know you want or need something, he’s probably never gonna do it. And while we wish he would just do these things, and put into our relationship and family as much as we are, it just isn’t happening.

So, to make life easier on yourself, just ask.

Before I go over the 5 different ways to ask him for help, I’m going to first share just a couple of things I’ve learned in asking my guy for more help with the baby and around the house:

“You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

We all know the old proverb, and it’s still so true. How you say something and ask for help is very important. If you demand help with a huge bad attitude, yelling at him and calling him lazy, he probably isn’t going to want to help you, even if what you are saying is true. 

He might want to just leave and hang out with a guy friend and come back when you’re asleep and/or “not so crazy.” Which, in turn, infuriates you more and makes you feel all alone and even more stressed out, which then begets more nagging carrying on to the next day. And the cycle continues.

When you want something, it’s better to ask nicely, to ensure that you get it.

What I’ve started to do is wait to ask. When I’m frustrated that he is just sitting down and relaxing while there are toys to be picked up and dishes to be done, I will wait until I’ve cooled off a bit because I know that my anger will only make the situation worse. 

Now, there have been many a time that I’ve wanted to just go off on him, and ask what’s wrong with him and why doesn’t he just see what needs to be done and then do it. But instead of asking why he’s so lazy, why he’s so selfish, why doesn’t he love me or care about me (our frustrations often exaggerate the situation just a lil bit). I wait.

And when I’ve taken many deep breaths and feel okay, I ask in a positive way, versus a negative, angry way, and he responds much better and isn’t on the defense. When he gets put on the defense, he doesn’t listen to what I’m saying.

Also, when asking him for help, be sure to not go into guilt-mode, telling him how he should be helping you already, and you shouldn’t have to even ask for help! 

We want to say this, I know we do, but it’s best not to. If you want something, give him a little honey first.

TIMING.

When you ask for something is just as important as how you ask for it. To clarify, this is referring to asking for more help in general. Of course, if you are needing help right at that moment, ask, but if it’s like the help that I’ve needed that’s just general housework and dishes and helping with the baby, then make sure you’re asking at a good time.

If he’s just gotten home from a stressful day at work, it’s not a good time to put more on his plate. Even if your plate is overfilled. I know that my plate has been so overfilled, it’s crazy, but if I want to put some of the stuff from my plate onto his plate, I need him to feel like he is able to make room on his plate. Whereas if he’s stressed and feeling like he has a full plate already, he is not about to make room. 

So, wait until he’s relaxing and has an open mind to speak to him about doing more.

KNOW SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU NEED.

If you tell him you “just want more help,” he will have no idea what to actually do. You need to be specific about what you need and what will really help you.

And it might be as simple as just wanting him to offer to help if you seem stressed. That’s a breath of fresh air on its own! Even if we don’t take the help, it’s nice to have someone offer. Still, be careful with this one. Guys can often be oblivious to how we feel and if we are stressed, so you can still ask him to be less oblivious, but just be prepared for that not to happen, because he’s oblivious to it!

Being specific about what he can do is best. He can do the dishes when he gets home from work or on weekends. He can vacuum. He can watch the baby on his day off so you can get out for some mommy self-care time, which will make such a big difference.

A good way to find what specifically will help is to make a list of everything that you do, and see what you can hand-off to him. Then ask him.

Here are the five different ways to ask:

1. Explain that you need help and why.

Give him a play-by-play of your day (when he’s at home and at work). List off everything that you do. Explain that you don’t have enough time for yourself and that it is weighing on you and making you an angry person, or however it’s affecting you. For me, it made me angry all the time.

2. “Foot-in-the-door” or “Door-in-the-Face.”

Psychology Today explains this as asking for a little bit first, then asking for more when the person has said “yes” because they are open to doing things (“foot-in-the-door”). Or, ask for a big thing first, then ask for less when they decline so that you still get something from them (“door-in-the-face”).

3. Flat out.

“I need your help here, here, and here.” Just tell him what you need from him going forward. It would help to use #1 with this one, too, just to show how much you are already doing. You can also go over what he does do, versus what you need him to do.

4. Leave sticky notes.

This might or might not work, depending on your hubby. If he will notice a sticky note, then use it. If not, this may not be the best way to ask him for help. You can also try telling him about the notes first so that he’s aware that they will be around.

This could be for things he may have forgotten that you’ve already told him, or for new things you need him to do, for example, “Close the toilet seat,” “Load dishes after use,” “Put clothes in the laundry basket,” etc. Your asking-for-help can appear as reminders. Sneaky sneaky.

5. “It’s your turn.”

This one is what worked best for me. When my daughter would have trouble going back to sleep in the middle of the night if she woke up, I would go in and nurse her, but if she woke up again, I would wake Alan up and tell him that it’s his turn to help her.

He would hate me saying this, but he had a big temper-tantrum the first time I told him this and threw the covers off of him and then stomped out of our room, but she went back to sleep after he rocked her a little. And I was able to take a deep breath. 

I talked to him about it the next day and told him that it isn’t fair that I’ve been doing this for almost a year, at that point, multiple times a night, and he got upset doing it once. He understood, and will now get up graciously when it’s his turn. 

He was able to see how hard things are for me on the regular, in that moment of me making him do it. I use this technique for diaper changes (although he’s always changed her diapers if I needed him to, but it still works), going to the store, or whatever I may need him to do at that time.

A couple of things to remember, so to get the help you are wanting and needing:

DON’T CRITICIZE HIS HELP

The fastest way to get no more help from him is to criticize when he does help. If he does something differently than you do like he doesn’t clean the INSIDE OF THE TOILET BOWL!!! Oh, is that just my guy? Nevermind, then. Find a way to use your “honey voice” to ask him to include that, too.

My philosophy with this is if getting his help creates more stress because he doesn’t do it right and you have to go after him and do it over again (like actually clean the toilet *ahem*), find something else he can help with. Or accept his help and just let it go. He will probably just not do things as good as you do. 

Find what he can do well, or at least, well enough.

This also might happen in baby steps. Work with him, not against him. Maybe accept his not-as-good help for now, and encourage him to get better over time.

BE GRACIOUS

We want more of this helpful behavior, so be gracious for it. Don’t act snooty or like, “That’s right! You’d better help me!” Make him want to keep helping you.

Do nice things. Show and tell him that you appreciate him. Give him a kiss. Grab his bulging arm muscles and meow haha. Whatever makes him happy and shows him that you appreciate him.

But why do I have to be nice about it?

I know a lot of this has been about ASKING, and BEING NICE, and maybe you disagree because you’re overwhelmed and angry at him. Again, I get it. But the goal of this post is to help you to get what you want and what you need, and the way to do that is to ask nicely and be kind. 

Be assertive, but be kind.

You are getting what you want, not because you stomp your foot and cuss him out, but because you make him see you as the girl he fell in love with, and the girl that he would do absolutely anything for.

It’s easy to lose our feelings for our spouse when we’re under stress, and the same goes for them. Maybe he’s lost sight of the girl he used to know. Give him a chance to see her again, so that he can bring back the guy you used to know. The one who would put his jacket on a puddle for you to walk over, and would buy you flowers and cute necklaces just because. The one who would try to make you laugh every chance he got.

You can bring him back, and get what you need. Because he honestly does want to help you. He loves you and is grateful to have such a hard-working woman who takes care of him and his babies.

Give him the chance to see that clearly for himself, and then give to you what you are asking for.

Disclosure: I am not at all saying that a guy can’t clean as well as a woman can, or that all guys are lazy or oblivious. I am going off of personal experience and from what women I know have said their guys do. These points are to be catered to your own relationship and situation. Work with the tips and see which way works best for you and your guy.

Know that you are amazing for who you are and for all that you do.

Good luck, Mama Bear. Stay strong and don’t forget your honey!

Please let me know in the comments below which point you used and what helped!

If you are interested in starting your own blog, you can go through Bluehost, like me. It’s super easy and affordable at only $3.95/month! You can get started by clicking here.

Sharing is caring!