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Confidence can be a difficult thing to learn. When you’re new at something, you’re generally not very good at it, and it’s completely obvious to you how good you aren’t at it.

This is the first part of my 10 Things I Learned In My First Year of Motherhood series.

This is how I felt as a new mom. Completely lost. But I did know that I loved my baby, and that I would do anything for her.

Life is hard. It’s hard to know the right thing to do at times, especially because, in a lot of cases, there is no one right way. But if you listen to yourself, you can find what the “right” way is for you.

I learned this from becoming a mom.

I wasn’t much for trusting myself. Because it’s scary! If you do what someone else says and it doesn’t work out, then it’s on them for giving you that advice, or at least that’s what I told myself, but if you make the decision and it doesn’t work, then it’s all on you. Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is not always easy.

Then, you have a baby, and are now the decision-maker.

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So, you research everything on the internet to find an answer. But what you find is many answers. Moms talking about what worked for them, what their situation was like and what they tried. And what worked for some didn’t work for others. So, how can you know which way is right??

The truth is, you do know.

Maybe it doesn’t feel like you know, but you do. And maybe you’ll have to try a few different things to find what is right for you. But when you find it, you’ll know it.

I’ve talked before about balancing knowledge and research versus listening to your mothers’ instinct, and it really makes me think about how things were before the internet and books. Mothers learned how to be mothers from their moms and grandmas, and also from just doing it. Thinking about it seems like there was much less pressure on them, but maybe the moms didn’t think so, as I’m sure they were still worrying if they were getting everything right. But I feel like they had to go with their guts a lot more back then. And even though we have access to so much information (which is helpful), we need to remember that we are mothers and mothers have been doing this for a LONG time.

All of the wisdom we need is inside of us, which sometimes means weighing the options of the information we are given to see if it’s right for us and our baby.

Becoming a mom taught me to trust myself.

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The first thing that went with my instincts on was bed-sharing. I’ll speak more about this in a later post, but I decided to try it, even though I had previously been against it. And at three weeks old, it solved my daughter’s sleep problems. She now slept for a full 2-3 hours at a time, instead of just a half hour to an hour.

Which was so nice, but then I worried that she was sleeping too long and not eating enough. I swear, if we aren’t worrying about one thing, we’re worrying about another!

But everything was fine. And I learned so much from just trying what felt right at the moment, going with my maternal instincts. She wanted to sleep close to her mom, and the fix was very simple.

But not everything worked out as magically as that. Some things take time. And some things are just going to be tough, until they’re not. Like Madison being a picky eater and me not knowing what to feed her, because she got tired of what she was willing to eat but wouldn’t try anything new. But, time went on, and now she’s eating better. C’est la vie!

“Baby blues” suck!

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I remember just sitting, holding my baby, and crying because I felt like I just wasn’t doing enough. I would think how I know I’m doing enough and that I have a happy baby, but I didn’t FEEL like I was. Staring into her smiling face didn’t change how I felt. Even when I’d smile back at her, I would be smiling through my tears of mom-doubt.

Photo by Matthew Henry from Burst

Then I learned that I had the “baby blues.” I was so hard on myself, needlessly. It wasn’t something I could control, which was frustrating. Alan didn’t understand why I was so sad and upset, and would ask me why I’m crying, and it was hard to explain it.

I didn’t tell many people about how I was feeling, either. The thing about depression is that it doesn’t want you to tell on it. Depression is selfish and wants you for itself. And it’s hard to fight.

My heart goes out to the mamas who had/have postpartum depression. Baby blues were bad enough, which was just me being hard on myself, but postpartum depression affects how you feel about your baby, too.

If you are experiencing the baby blues or postpartum depression, please know that you are not alone. We are in this together, and we can get through it together. If you need to talk, please reach out to a friend, or parent, or partner, or healthcare professional (which is what I ended up doing). And you can even comment or email me if you just need to vent or need a friend who understands, at melissa@workingmamabear.com.

Just know that you are doing your best.

Trust yourself and your mothering instincts.

Know that others can definitely give helpful advice, but not all advice is helpful and not all advice will work for you. Be gracious to other mothers and be open to their way of doing things, but comfortable standing up for your own way of doing things.

Also be willing to ask for help. I know, it’s hard to do. I still don’t do it a lot and my daughter will be 13 months old in a couple of days.

Why is it that moms can’t ask for help?? Because we are supermoms. But even supermoms need sleep. And even supermoms need to eat, and like to eat their food warm sometimes! Supermoms need help, too.

Photo by Matthew Henry from Burst

You are amazing, Super Mama Bear. You are a hero in my book.

And just remember, when you don’t know what to do, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and see what answer comes to you, even if it is just “get through today.” You can get through it.

Much love and good luck!

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