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Let’s be real…we’ve all done this.

You had a hard day…

Kids didn’t listen. Baby put your makeup in the toilet. Dogs got into the trash and pooped in the house. Cats fought and got clumps of hair all over the place after you just vacuumed and mopped.

While shooing one of them off of the counter, you pushed your favorite flower vase onto the floor and it shattered into a million pieces. Again, on your freshly vacuumed and mopped floors.

Just a terrible, awful day.

Then, in strolls Mr. Dad, happy from a great day at work.

Fire shoots out of your eyes.

Your lips turn up into a snarl.

How dare he smile, doesn’t he know the day you’ve had?! How could he just sit down on the couch and RELAX?!?! How dare he not offer to help with the kids or do the pile of dishes?!

Then, you let him have it.

Your whole day, just thrown into his lap, with a side of, “- and you never help me!”

His smile is now gone, and the two of you are arguing and will have a horrible rest of the night.

We take our anger out on the closest person to us.

Author, Martha Beck, talked about this in a Huffpost article stating, “Our hidden feelings seep or burst out when we’re with people we trust or who aren’t in a position to resist us.” She called this displaced aggression “stress rolling.”

Martha explained that our stress “seeps through the cracks” of our relationships, where our defenses are down, and rolls onto those that are closest to us.

I believe that one reason we do this is because we know he’s the only person who has to love us anyway.

The other reason is that we would rather take it out on him, than on our baby. Plain and simple.

Study.com describes displaced aggression as aggressive behavior that cannot be expressed to the actual source that provoked the behavior; instead, the anger is taken out on the easiest victim.

Sorry, babe.

But then, our poor guys are dreading coming home, because they don’t know what’s going to greet them.

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Alan told me about this meme, and said, “That’s me and you!”

We feel bad, and then we give our bad feelings to them. It seems like it’s just a natural thing that happens, and that we can’t help it.

Except…it CAN be helped!

The first step is to recognize that it’s happening.

We fall into a cycle of continuing the same behavior until it becomes second nature and we don’t even know that it’s happening. So, first, we must see that we do it.

Next time you have a bad day, notice what you feel when he comes home.

Do you automatically lean toward nitpicking everything he does?

Are you rolling your eyes at his relaxing sigh as he sits on his recliner, kicking off his shoes?

Do you feel like punching him in the face, for really no apparent reason?

If you answered yes to those questions, then you, my dear, are taking your frustrations out on your spouse.

One day, I had just put Madison to bed and Alan was playing video games downstairs, with his friends online.

I heard him talking and laughing and having a great time, and my initial response was to get mad at him. But there was nothing that I needed him to do and nothing I had asked him to do that he didn’t do. He was just playing games in his free time.

At that moment, I realized that I was getting mad at him just to be mad at him. So I stopped that anger right there because it didn’t make sense. There was no reason to get mad at him that day. I just wanted to.

It’s like I was so used to being mad at him, that I did it automatically.

I don’t want my anger toward him to be an automatic thing.

Second step: you have to want to stop doing it.

You can recognize something, but not care to change it.

But, if you want life to be happier for you and your hubby, then you really do want to change this behavior.

Alan used to say to me, “I just want you to be pleasant.”

It made my heart hurt because I basically made him not want to be around me. All I gave him was attitude from the hard day I had, coupled with snarky comments. I was short with him and irritated by everything he did.

What fun is that to come home to?

After recognizing that I do these things to him, I felt horrible. I wanted to cry and hug his leg as he tried to walk away from me, not letting him go, screaming, “Please don’t leave me!!!.

Now, I didn’t do that, but I wanted to.

Third step: have a plan in place for next time.

My plan inadvertently came from doing yoga.

Yoga not only stretches and strengthens you physically, but it also teaches you to breathe through the difficult moves.

So, I decided to work on breathing through the difficult times in life, the same way that I did in yoga.

Closed eyes, breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, focusing on what I can control.

I also made myself remember that it isn’t his fault.

It isn’t his fault.

It isn’t his fault.

IT ISN’T HIS FAULT!!!

Deep breath again. Life is hard. Kids are tough sometimes. Responsibilities aren’t always easy.

And it isn’t always someone’s fault.

We have to stop looking for someone to blame. Playing the blame game doesn’t make the situation any better, but it can definitely make it worse.

So, figure out a plan of what you can do with your frustrations, instead of taking them out on him.

Maybe just tell him about your day.
Cry.
Tell him you need a minute alone.
Go for a drive.
Go outside.
Journal.
Talk to a friend or your mom.

Do whatever you can do to relieve YOUR frustrations because they are yours, and not his.

Use your words. (And use them nicely.)

As much as we wish they could, men cannot read our minds. They don’t know what we need or what we want.

I mean, half the time, we don’t even know what we need or want! We just want something! And we want them to just figure it out.

I love this article by Paul Friedman, founder of The Marriage Foundation, in which he talks about WHY we get angry and gives life-learned tips on how to stop being angry in marriage.

He states that anger comes from not getting what we want. Which is funny, if you think about it. We are like our kids who don’t get their way, and lash out and hit the dog walking by, or throw a toy and scream.

Paul also talks about the chemical make-up of men versus women, saying that women primarily carry the nurturing trait, and men generally do not, which he then says that, because of the absence of this hormonal trait, men “tend to be more indifferent to the needs of others.”

Women are nurturers and helpers. We see a need, we go help. Men, not so much.

We have to ask for what we need.

When he gets home, if you just need a few minutes to lay on your bed and relax, ask him to watch the kids. He might not know that you need a timeout.

Most times, he will say yes. If he’s had a hard day, too, then you might have to wait until he’s able to help, which is just how it will go sometimes.

We will have hard days. Our hubs will have hard days. Sometimes those days will be the same day, and at that point, we just gotta get through it, in hopefully the best possible way.

I’ve often thought about which one of us is “more important” where relaxing is concerned.

Of course, in those moments, I think it’s me, and he would think it’s him. How do you solve that? When you’ve had enough stress and feel like you don’t have any niceness left to give?

You talk about it.

Maybe take turns. Tonight is my turn to relax without kids. Tomorrow will be your night.

Work out a deal to cope on the hard days.

It’s also important to remember why you chose him.

Remember the feelings of before kids, and before the hard times, when you just wanted to see him smile and make him happy.

When you would play video games with him just because he wanted you to.

And you’d watch silly anime every night because he wanted you to watch what he loves.

Just because you have kids now and are “adulting,” doesn’t mean that you have to be mean to him all the time.

And even though guys can really be clueless sometimes, it isn’t fair to get mad at them for that. They can’t help it!

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

Tell him what you need, so that he can do it.

Now, if you have already asked and he still doesn’t do it, that’s a different story. That may require something more than you just being nicer to him, like counseling. Or a foot up his you-know-what! Haha, just…kidding…

LET HIM HELP.

This is a big one.

Over time, I’ve noticed that I try to just do everything, even when Alan is home.

If I ask him to do something and he doesn’t jump up to do it right away, I will just do it, because I want it done right frickin now! And then he gets out of doing it.

So, I am working on not doing that anymore, so that he knows that I really do want and need his help when I ask.

Yes, it requires patience on my side. Yes, it means that something may not be done to my standards.

But in these situations, we have to ask ourselves, “Is it worth it?”

Is it worth it to have help?

And try to say “yes” to that question more than “no.”

Also, I strictly breastfed Madison for six months, until I went back to work, but would still breastfeed her when I was home.

This meant that I would just change her diapers more often than not, simply because I was already right there with her. I would change her clothes and hold her and do whatever else was needed.

Thus a habit was created of me just doing everything for our baby.

Which I was honestly happy to do! But after a year of it…I wanted a little more of a break from time to time.

(Now, to be clear, Alan has changed his fair share of diapers and also bottle-fed Madison formula every 2-3 hours at night in her first few weeks, while I pumped to help my milk come in better/stronger. This was a habit that was inadvertently created, that we both fell into willingly.)

It’s important that we each know our limit. And what will really help.

Maybe you just need a foot rub. Or a bubble bath without interruption. Perhaps a nice drive with your music blasting, and clear your head and breathe. Or go painting, or dancing, or sing karaoke.

Whatever it is that will help, ask for it.

And then make sure that you LET him help.

To recap:
1. Recognize it.
2. Want to stop it.
3. Have a plan for next time.
Then
4. Ask for what you need.
5. Let him help.

Another great thing Paul Friedman said in his article was, “Anger is not a demon, and it is not you. It is a function of your mind. It is under your control. You just need to learn how to control it.”

How freeing is that?

You DO NOT have to be the angry mom or the angry wife.

Comment below on how you deal with your mom frustrations.

Related Topics:
Why It’s Important To Take Time For Yourself As A Mom
From Mom Doubt to Mom Confidence
How To Love Your “Mom Body”

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