“Just like a plant needs light and space to grow, a child needs love and freedom to unfold.”
– Sigrid Leo
Photo by Rasmus Svinding from Pexels
According to Google, the definition of trust is firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
This is part three of my 10 Things I Learned In My First Year of Motherhood series.
Babies are born dependent. They need caretakers for a good chunk of time, until they can take care of themselves. Trust automatically comes with it and they don’t even know that they’re trusting when they do; it just happens, out of necessity.
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Parents are to nurture and cultivate that trust over the years.
Even though I know that my daughter basically HAS to trust me at this point, it was an eye-opening moment when I really saw it. I talked about it here, (in section three). She was looking to me for reassurance that she was okay, even though she was scared and in a new situation. I was able to give her the confidence to feel safe, while also giving myself the confidence to be able to.
As she got older, I began to see it more and more. When she hears a weird noise, like the wind blowing against her window AC as I nurse and rock her before bed, she’ll look at me first, and then sit up and look at the window.
In my positive, calming voice, I tell her, “it’s just the wind. Whoosh!” And then she lays back down and finishes nursing and is fine. Then, we go for our walks and if it’s windy, I’ll say it again, so she can relate the two when she hears the noise from inside her room, teaching her that weird noises are explainable and that she’s okay.
When we meet someone new and she feels shy, she leans into me, and will sometimes hug me and turn the other way. Which is so friggin adorable!
Other related posts:
Why It’s Important To Take Time For Yourself As A Mom
How To Go From Mom Doubt To Mom Confidence
Top 11 Things Every New Mom Needs For Their Baby
I’m her safe zone and her comfort. And that is what I will always be for her.
I like this quote about trust: “Trust should be like that feeling of a one-year-old baby when you throw him in the air. He laughs because he knows you will catch him. That is trust.”
Photo by Dominika Roseclay from Pexels
Greater Good Magazine quotes researcher Danielle Kassow at Thrive By Five Washington, “If caregivers react to babies’ cries and body language in an attentive, consistent, and nurturing manner, those babies will feel safe and learn to trust their world.” The rest of the article was very interesting, speaking about trust at different ages of life.
Madison loves people and is very friendly. When we go to the store she says, “HI!” to everyone, and doesn’t shy away, unless they try to touch her (that’s my girl!) or if they say hi first. But she loves to get people’s attention and say “Hi” and smile at them.
She trusts the world around her, and I’d like to think that I’ve had something to do with that. She also trusts HER world and knows that she’s safe. If she gets hurt, she knows who to go to for comfort. When she’s excited to go look at the garbage truck, she runs to me to put on her shoes and take her out. She already knows what I’m going to do for her, and there’s no doubt about it.
It makes me worry about her learning one day that trust can be broken, especially by the people she’ll love. But, for now, she knows I’m here, and she knows Daddy’s here, and that we give her what she needs and wants.
When she’s older, we will be sure to teach her about trust, and that it can’t be blind. Trust has to be earned. And I know that I will strive to continue earning hers as our lives go on.
Trust is always being built.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., wrote in the Huffpost several ways to build trust with your child as they get older. And I absolutely love when she said, ” as kids grow older, their capacity for trust is furthered by increased cognitive development and testing the waters on their own. Trust is also reinforced as they come to learn you listen to them and understand their strengths and weaknesses as you accept who they are. Trust is at the core of the parent-child relationship even during adolescence. It builds the parent-child bond. ” Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.
It is something that continues to grow. Just like your trust in your parents, or even your friends or spouse/significant other. Trust can be easily broken and is tough to repair, and it takes time to build.
Part of it being a continually growing thing, is that as a child gets older, they begin to question things to find the truth in everything. They learn to be able to tell between truth and a lie, trust and distrust. They will also test their parents, to be sure that they are still trustworthy, as adults test other adults, because what we really want is to be able to trust someone, and have truth.
Laurie says that children learn that their parents are a constant in their life during their second year, but I feel like it begins sooner. I am, of course, not a doctor, nor have I studied babies and development, so this is all just my opinion, but I think that you build trust right away.
And while it takes time to fully develop (does it ever fully develop?), it starts off with baby steps – literally.
Baby needs something, you give it to them. They learn that they will get what they need from you; they rely on your ability and strength for that thing.
How Do I Build Trust With My Baby?
Believe it or not, a lot of us don’t trust very well (*hand raised*) so it can be hard to know how to build trust with someone else, even a little sweet baby. Maybe you’re wondering how, too. Here are a few things I’ve learned and picked up on.
1. Touch
After a baby is born, the first thing the doctors and nurses have a mom do is skin-to-skin contact for at least an hour. They didn’t always do this, but now see the positive effects of it. Touch is the first thing a baby learns, and safe touch is important for them to know as they grow older, so that they’ll know the difference between safe and unsafe touch and can know to stop it and/or tell you right away. They will learn which touch to trust.
Physical touch is a big need for us, and has healing capabilities. Like how massage therapy can help release tension, but it can also be emotionally healing. Nurturing, loving touch works wonders, for babies and adults.
Skin-to-skin releases hormones that help to regulate the baby’s breathing, heart rate and body temperature. It also helps to calm the baby, and the mother, at the same time. We feel the most comfortable and relaxed when we are in the arms of someone we love and who loves us.
Doctors will say to continue doing skin-to-skin when you get home, when you’re nursing your baby, or if they’re upset. It should be a constant thing a mother is doing with her new baby. Dad and siblings can do it, too, which is so cute to see!
2. Respond to your baby’s cries.
Babies don’t learn cause and effect (I cry, mom comes to me) until they are much older (I believe I read nine months is when they can start to learn this), so at the point of a newborn, they cry to let you know something is wrong and that they need something.
Responding to it will make the baby calmer, thus making you calmer, too, as our baby’s cries can tear us apart inside.
3. Talk to your baby.
Communication is heard and felt. Babies eat up everything we say to them, you can just see it in their eyes. They love to be talked to. It makes them feel special and important.
Eye contact also goes with this. When someone speaks to you, you listen to what they are saying better if they are looking at you, and it also engages you better. If you are talking to someone and they are busy doing something else, and not looking at you, you feel unheard and unimportant. Same thing with a baby. When they coo at you, they’re talking to you and are happy. Look into their eyes and have a conversation with them.
4. Pay attention to your baby.
This kind of goes along with responding to your baby, but it’s more than just waiting until your baby cries to respond to them.
Once we got into the flow of things, about three weeks in, Madison didn’t cry that often, because she got what she needed beforehand. I checked her diaper a lot, fed her when she showed signs of being hungry, had skin-to-skin contact every time I’d feed her (unless we weren’t at home), I’d hold her and talk to her and sing to her. She was a very happy baby. I was and am extremely attentive to her, maybe even a little TOO attentive haha.
Trying to reign in on the over-protection and helicopter parenting, but I know that will go away with time. As she’s gotten older and more capable, I’ve been able to let go a little more. I also have to tell myself that she will be okay if she falls down sometimes. Even if she gets scrapes and bruises, she is safe and it’s a part of life. I can’t keep her from ever getting hurt.
It’s important to continue engaging with your baby. Madison will be playing with toys by herself, then pick one up to bring to me. If I just ignored her, I feel like she would eventually stop trying, which hurts my heart to think about, but I will say, “Thank you!” when she puts something on my lap and I’ll ask what it is and let her talk about it (still all “dada” for most things).
She knows that she can come to me for conversation, play and important eye contact. Her needs are being met in that moment just by me being present with her.
You are worthy.
I’ve often wondered what I’ve done to be so blessed with this sweet baby girl. I prayed for her for a long time, and waited for her. I hope to be able to be worthy of her continual trust as the years go on, and I know that I will strive to always show my love to her and that she can trust me.
The truth is, your baby blindly trusts you for much of the beginning of their life. It is up to you to give them someone worthy of their trust. A lot of pressure, I know, and there will be times that we’ll fall short, but there are ways to reconnect and to do better the next time.
If you feel lost in this area, there are many parenting books that can help. For example, I’ve read How to Really Love Your Child and it gives great insight on parenting and how to show love to your child, while also building trust. This is also the book that taught my mom how to love her children, which she hadn’t really learned growing up.
Look for ways that you can tell your baby trusts you, and comment them below! It’s truly a wonderful thing to see.
Much love, Mama Bears!
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Prior posts in this series:
10 Things I Learned In My First Year of Motherhood
I Really Do Know What’s Best
Motherhood is hard, but it gets easier…in some ways